Today, we did nothing

As we continue through this project, we have (thankfully) abandoned the competitive challenge of achieving a numerical halving of our stuff and are now focusing on making our house more comfortable and uplifting, and our lives happier and more fulfilling. For the past week and a half, that meant busting our butts and doing a ton of work, sacrificing both family time and sleep in the process. This past week, I would say I averaged about four hours of sleep a night - and I was feeling it.

That all came to a head this morning, when I just couldn't function. I was light-headed, I was almost falling asleep constantly, and I was so completely out of it I had to call in sick to work. Not a good thing, in the end. I look around our house, and it makes me extremely happy - I feel much more "at home" and comfortable in our home than I did before we repainted everything. So, in the long run, I really feel like all the work is worth it; but I definitely think the way we went about it was the wrong way to go. We constantly try to jam as much "activity" into as little time as possible under this idea that it will free up time later for us to relax. In the end, though, it ends up meaning less sleep, as Lauren and I decide to forgo a few hours of sleep a couple of times a week in order to talk, relax together, and maintain the strong connection we both desire to have in our relationship. Rarely does all our hard work lead to a consistent amount of rest and relaxation time, and we often feel like we are simply surviving and living day-to-day, instead of looking at the big picture.

I, for one, know that taking a step back and relaxing is something I struggle with, anyway. With the vision I have for our family, I feel a lot of societal and personal pressure to always be "on the go". A lot of times this means working, getting things done around the house, and a wide variety of other things that need to happen to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, and keep our house in some sort of order (which, is something we continue to work on as a family). But many times this feeling manifests itself into a feeling of "needing to be busy". And often it's with things of little to no importance; reading sports articles online, playing video games, reading, watching TV - anything to fulfill this internal nagging pressure that says I must be doing something - no time to "just be". These things - while they give some immediate gratification and are nice, relaxing things to do in moderation - tend to be something I overdue in a subconscious attempt to quell the internal feeling that I need to be doing something.

That brings me to last night. Before going to bed for the night, Lauren and I watched the series finale of LOST. And for some reason - which I didn't realize until talking about it and thinking about it for a while - this episode hit me very hard emotionally. At first I thought I was just feeling that "let-down" feeling of something being over; even though I liked how everything ended for the most part, I had spent a lot of time talking with Lauren and other people about LOST theories, ideas that the show made me think about, and a wide variety of other things - so I was prepared to feel a little bit let-down after it ended simply because it was ending. But then I realized that what I was feeling was a lot more than that. The show (especially the finale) focused a lot on the idea of an afterlife - and getting to spend that with the people that meant the most to you. This is an idea I struggle with - and because of this struggle, tend not to really think about it that much. I love the idea of an afterlife, especially if that afterlife meant I would get to spend an eternity with Lauren, Ginny, Sorin, and all of our friends. But no matter how much I want to believe that is the case, and no matter how much personal and academic theological/religious study I do, I just can't comprehend how such an afterlife can exist. I want to believe it - but it just isn't that simple for me. So seeing the LOST finale with this representation of such a fulfilling afterlife really hit me hard. That is what I would love to see - a forever of getting to spend time with those I love, to enjoy the great memories and times, to create more of them, to be forever filled with and surrounded by such love.

But even more than that, it made me more aware of how much I want these feelings in my life now. I want not only to have that with my family, but outside my family. My job - it pays the bills, and creates the possibility for the lifestyle I envision us having as a family, and gives us the ability to give to our children the things that we want to provide for them. And I don't expect it to do more than that - even though it would be nice, my job is a means to an end - I work to live, I don't live to work. But I want to have more in my life that is fulfilling.

And now we arrive at today. After spending a lot of the day resting and slowly re-gaining my mental faculties and motor skills, I spent some time taking care of the kids while Lauren did some much-needed planning for the summer classes she is teaching. Now, I very much enjoy spending time with my children, and I feel very blessed to have a job that allows me to spend more time with them by giving me a schedule where I work from home one day a week to spend time with them. But, if there is one way that I fail my children in these times, it's by attempting to turn these days and moments into "multi-tasking masterpieces". I play games with them, do work, do some dishes, laundry, and even work in some time surfing the web, watching TV, reading a book, or playing a video game. Now, I think there is a place for all of this - and at times they are a necessity. But over time, as our lives have gotten more and more busy, there has been a part of me that has been slowly realizing that my multi-tasking has turned into more time doing that other stuff and less time interacting with our children.

But with a week and a half of working hard and sacrificing family time followed by the emotional roller coaster that LOST put me on last night, I have a new focus on wanting to shift that multi-tasking back to more time with our children and less time doing everything else. So, despite having that nagging feeling inside telling me I should probably be trying to do something else, I really focused on giving much more of my attention to Ginny and Sorin today (despite still being exhausted). And while Sorin was taking his afternoon nap today, it was then that I was able to finally really shut down that nagging feeling that I should be doing something and really enjoy it. Ginny and I just sat outside blowing bubbles together for 25 minutes or so, and at one point I just looked at her and could just see in her face how much it meant to her to be having this "Daddy time" that I just couldn't help but start crying a little. It felt so good to share that time with her - time that we used to share all the time before I continually chose to allow the pressure to lessen that time more and more. And while it felt so good to spend that time with her, I also felt sad feeling like I had wasted so much time not spending that time with her other days. So now, in an effort to continually make my life feel more fulfilling and happier, I am going to make a strong, concerted effort to continue keeping this time alive with Ginny, Sorin and Lauren - and with others in my life as well. Who knew finding a balance in life was this difficult? I certainly didn't realize it when we started this whole project, but I definitely feel happy about how much further down this road we are as a family now, not even three months into it. Above everything else, though, I know one thing: by taking today and "doing nothing", it was one of the most fulfilling days I've had in a while.

The Evil Red is Gone!

So, we pretty much got rid of all the paint colors I hated this week, and that is part of the reason why we have not posted in a week--we have been busy tag-teaming the painting, which usually meant Brett doing most of the work while I cared for the kids, though I did help a little with the painting when I could!  Crazy us decided that since we were planning to paint Ginny's room anyway, we might as well repaint the living room, dining room and kitchen too, and why not try to do it all in a week and a half so it'd be done in time for Sorin's birthday party yesterday evening!

Here is Ginny's new princess room, which was initially the only room we were going to do:

Before:

After:

So, yeah, we couldn't cram anymore Disney princesses in there if we tried :)  Luckily, Ginny really likes princesses and has been excitedly jumping on the bed and pointing out all the different color dresses the princesses are wearing, and has been calling each one a "beautiful princess!"

And here are the before and afters of the living room, dining room, and kitchen, the dining room previously being an evil red color that has been making me more unhappy than I realized until the glorious moment when it was gone!

Kitchen before:

Kitchen after:

Living room before:

Living room after:

Dining room before:

Dining room after (complete with one wall that has magnetic primer for Ginny and Sorin's decorating!):

We always do this kind of thing, doing nothing for long stretches of time and then trying to do everything at once rather than adopting a more gradual, sane approach to getting things done.  And I think our problem is that we have yet to master the art of maintaining anything, our weight, our home, a schedule, etc.  When we finally get motivated to act, we always go to extremes, and then once we finish our short burst of insanity, we are exhausted and to recover we revert back to our minimal effort ways and wind up back where we started.

The next time we get an idea we should probably force ourselves to pursue it slowly, forcing ourselves to work a little at a time for an extended period rather than going full throttle for a bit and then slowing back to a crawl.  I guess this blog has been challenging in a good way in that we couldn't achieve our goal in a week or two, so we've had to figure out how to keep going once the excitement of the first few weeks wore off, which is one of our biggest struggles, but the progress we're making has made me so much happier, especially now that I've released myself from cataloging hell and feel free to just trash or donate anything I don't need or love without documentation.  I also have noticed that my usual flight of the bumblebee cleaning routine that is put in effect before having guests has gotten shorter and easier now that there is less stuff to deal with and more of that stuff has a place so I know where to put it.  Good thing, too - because with all the work we were doing painting, we didn't have nearly as much time as usual to clean up for Sorin's party!

To Hell with the Half-o-meter

The Corner from hell is done.

Just to remind us all where we've been and how far we've come, here is how the corner from hell started:

Here is where it was after our last post:

And here is the corner now:

To the average person, the current state of this corner of our home might still seem a bit disorganized and unkempt, but to us, it is GLORIOUS! I personally feel like we've gained back almost an entire room when I measure in the emotional benefit of knowing there is no longer a portion of our dining room that we've given up on, using it as a painfully visible storage unit/dumpster. And it felt good to throw out most of that stuff, especially the 2 shelves worth of all my course packets and notebooks from undergrad that I kept just in case I might need those notes on the Crusades or that paper I wrote on Lady Macbeth....

We also threw out a ton of pictures, since we have gone from printing every picture we take (what were we thinking?) to keeping most of our photos stored digitally with the exception of printing our favorites to use as decorations. It turns out that despite my previous ambitions, I am not a photo album person, so they went with the stacks of pictures that never found there way into the albums anyway. (Don't worry Jax, I saved the photo albums and a few more little frames for you, since unlike me, you are a talented photographer for whom every picture you take is worth printing :)

On to part two of this post: the half-o-meter was begun, then scrapped, then begun again, and before it could be finished, we realized we were wasting more time than we wanted to writing down everything we were getting rid of and trying to finalize our categories, etc., and we asked ourselves whether we wanted to force ourselves to keep going as we were just for the sake of doing what we said we would do, despite the fact that it became very clear to us that what we said we would do was a stupid idea in the first place. Well, sort of. We still love the idea of getting rid of half our stuff, or even more than half if possible, because the more we go through this process the more we realize that less is more, we were keeping tons of crap we did not need that was just cluttering up our home, stressing us out, and keeping us from living our best lives.

But, we do NOT love, or even like, the idea of logging every item in order to continue to play this game we made up to help motivate ourselves and try to make this more interesting, because it turns out that feeling like we can't get rid of anything without writing it down and assigning it in a category has actually been hindering our getting rid of stuff because if we don't have time to catalog it, we just don't even bother, which is what got us into this mess in the first place.

So, we have decided that out new goal is to simply get rid of anything we don't need or love, and make maintaining our home as easy as possible so that we will actually do it.

Take that, Hell

Slowly but surely, we are regaining the use of our dining room table. Once covered with most of the remnants from The Corner from Hell (and it's adjoining closet), about 2/3 of the table now is uncovered and able to be used. Today was a big day - I went through the second half of the closet, getting rid of anything we weren't keeping, and then was finally able to put things back in the closet that will be living there permanently - mainly Christmas tree, ornaments, lights, and then the various items needed for gift wrapping. My baseball cards also went back in there temporarily (turns out I have two full storage crates and one large box of baseball cards), but I've given myself until the end of this month to start the process of getting rid of those. We still have to go through the shelves of the closet, and the bookshelf that resides in that corner - but The Corner from Hell has been largely subdued. At this point, it's more like The Corner from That-Time-You-Had-a-Cold-That-Gave-You-an-Annoying-Throat-Tickle - noticeable, but nothing near life-threatening.

So what went today? Mainly trash. We apparently love trash - we're the Oscar the Grouch's of the homeowners world. There were torn gift bags full of unusable tissue paper, a bunch of gift boxes that were bent and ripped, and a ton of CD's. We're in step one of a two step process when it comes to CD's - for now, we are getting rid of all our jewel cases. Everything is going in large CD sleeves, and then later we're digitizing all the songs/discs we want to keep. We took care of about 200 CD cases back in March, and took care of another 100 today. When all was said and done, here's the outgoing trash:

And then there are the non-trash items. The big item we donated this time was my Playstation 2... and the three pounds of dust that had collected on it in the two years since I last played with it. Turns out I like to play with my Wii much more, and so does Lauren (hey, people, get your minds out of the gutter - this is a family blog...). Along with it went 6 controllers, a "Pump it Up" mat, and about 25 games. We also donated a few pictures, some baskets, and some Christmas decorations we only used once or twice. Here's the loot you can get from our local Salvation Army sometime next week:

While doing all of this cleaning, we've even managed to clean off one of our bookshelves pretty well - here's the "before" (if, by before, I mean "after the first time we cleaned it") and after:

Holy Flurking Schnit! We cleaned it so well that it became invisible! That's amazing - I cannot believe how well we cleaned that... oh, wait - I forgot. We cleaned the bookshelf off and then donated it, too. As of this morning, we had three bookshelves in our dining room. Now we have two, and by the end of the month we plan to be down to one bookshelf. The bookshelf from The Corner from That-Time-You-Had-a-Cold-That-Gave-You-an-Annoying-Throat-Tickle will be donated once we finish going through it's contents as well. We decided that having those three bookshelves is just enabling us to keep more crap around that we don't need and that is not giving us joy - so why not give us two less bookshelves to dust? You know, for that one time a year when we dust...

It's been a good, long evening of cleaning, and it's amazing how I can be simultaneously exhausted from cleaning and looking forward to getting some more cleaning done. I was recently asked by a friend how much of our house we felt like had been transformed by this project, and I told him while I would say over 50% of our house is in a less cluttered state, the real transformation has been in how we think of things. We don't need all these shelves and boxes of "stuff" to remember all these times we've shared together - because we have each other. Keeping things around wasn't giving us joy, it was giving us more things to clean and take care of (or lose track of) when we could be using that time to have new experiences together. And now we even look forward to getting rid of stuff and bettering our lives, because we're learning more and more how making our house simpler is giving us so much more in terms of comfort and piece of mind. So, while I love being able to look around and see a noticeable improvement in our house, I love even more being able to feel a noticeable improvement in our lives.

And, since it's after midnight, I'll wish a happy first birthday to our favorite little boy in the whole world. Happy birthday Sorin! We love you!

At least I still have my trophy wife

The slow process of going through the remnants from The Corner from Hell continued today, as I went through some boxes I haven't opened probably since they made it up to South Bend from Dayton a good 7-8 years ago. And, once again, about 95% of it made its way out the door. On their way out were some of my old roommate's playbooks from Notre Dame back in 1997-1998 (let's face it, those were Bob Davie years - so it's not like there were some dynamic offensive plays in those books...), my childhood collection of gumball machine NFL football helmets, my collection of medals and awards from Cub Scouts, and a bunch of other little things that I once deemed important, but have lost that importance over the years. Also on their way out, my collection of childhood trophies:

I remember thinking that one day I would display these in my basement - I apparently thought people would be impressed by the "Gold Glove" award from my little league days, my array of second place trophies, my blue ribbon from the water balloon toss back in 5th grade, or my "Participant" ribbon from the 3K run back in my home town's summer picnic/festival thing (clearly it's so important that I can't even remember the name of the event). I ended up keeping two trophies. The first one is the trophy from my family's annual family reunion golf tournament. I figure since my Dad and older brother each won it and have their names on the trophy, I'd see if either of them want it. That way they can look at it and see their name on it once, and my name on it twice :) I also saved my 1st place plaque from the 1990 National Jigsaw Puzzle Championships. As far as I know, they have not held the competition since (it was held throughout the 80's), so I guess I'm still the reigning junior national champion! I still have the puzzle I won with, which I completed in 12 minutes and 3 seconds... and after Lauren asked if I could still do it that fast, I completed it this afternoon in 8 minutes and 36 seconds - take that 11-year old me! Anyways, I've clearly digressed - I kept that one, because of all the trophies I have, that's the one I'm most proud of, and am more than proud to display it in my house to this day.

The last thing I parted with was an interesting one. Back in high school I went through a 1-1/2 year stretch that involved a lot of time in hospitals and three brain surgeries after I fractured my skull and did some damage to the membrane around my brain. I kept everything I could from this time period - hospital bracelets, the staples that were removed from the roughly foot long scar that runs from ear to ear across the top of my head, the tweezers and scissors used for sutures, drainage tubing that ran out of my head for a few days after surgeries, and a 4-5 inch long spinal tap needle that I had inserted into my back 8-9 times before it was left in me for a 24-hour period to drain fluid in the hopes that I would heal myself and not need surgery. Crazy stuff - but I always felt inclined to hold onto it. When I laid eyes on that box today, though, I had different feelings about it. I finally realized why I had kept all that stuff. For a significant portion of my teenage and young adult years, I felt like that time period defined me. I felt like it was those events that made me special, and I hung onto that stuff because it was something that made me different than anyone else, and also because there was a part of me that felt like I had done something special by going through all it. And don't get me wrong - it was hell. I still am proud of myself for going through all that I went through, and I know I have a story that is different from most everyone out there. But I don't need that part of my life to define me any more. If I really want to remember those days, I can look at the scar across the top of my head, or the 5 or so other scars on my body from these surgeries.  But now, rather than viewing my life as defined by those events, I can look at myself and see myself as a humorous, intelligent, loving individual who has accomplished a lot in my life, and is excited to accomplish even more as time goes on. I have a truly amazing wife, who to this day I look at and can't believe how much I love (and also can't believe she loves me - but it's too late for her, she's trapped now!). I have two children that I feel lucky to have every day, who have ways of making me happy no matter how bad of a day I've had. I've got amazing friends who I love (and miss, since I rarely see many of you due to distance and life situations) dearly. While that year and a half of my life will always be a significant part of my life, that shaped who I am today, I'm ready to let it go and have it be just that - a part of my life that happened, as opposed to the part of my life that defined me. So out the contents of that container went, and on we go with our lives. And I, for one, am very excited.

Living Life

"Life is a mystery to be lived, not a puzzle to be solved" ~Francis Cliffton, from Oprah.com

I found this quote by clicking on an article that said, "Struggling just to get through the day?", and in my head I answered, "Yes, yes I am."  And this quote really hit home for me because a big part of the reason why I struggle so much is self-inflicted and it is precisely because I tend to view life as a puzzle to be solved, and I spend, or rather waste, hours upon hours analyzing and over-analyzing how I am going to solve the puzzle for today, only to realize I was looking at the puzzle completely wrong and will inevitably need to start all over tomorrow.  This quote was suggested among others in a list of thoughts or sayings that might help someone like me focus on living my life instead of constantly trying to figure it out.  This is something I hope to start today.  When I entertain the possibility that no matter how much I try, I cannot figure out my life because life, much like happiness, love, and God, cannot and perhaps should not be figured out, because that would ruin the mystery that is essential to the essence of each of these; then I finally feel free to experience my life, and even appreciate my life, rather than constantly trying to solve it.

So, I decided it might be fun to try to fill every empty diaper box that leaves our house with things that we are donating or discarding.  We currently have 2 kids in diapers, so this could really help us achieve our goal :)  Tonight we eliminated some clothes from our respective wardrobes (including a dress about which I've finally decided that even if I can someday fit into it again, by the time that happens I'd rather celebrate with a new dress than wear this old one again), collected some hangers that we no longer need now that we are committed to having less clothing (sadly, the hangers did not make it into the picture), and I finally came to my senses about a class set of Glass Menagerie books that were donated to me, which I was clinging onto just in case I ever have the opportunity to teach it again and need to supply the books myself.....a classic case of "what if" clutter.  How 'bout this one, me, "what if I actually got rid of everything I don't really need?  How freeing would that be?!"

Here is the picture of the diaper box filled with our clothing donations, and the crate of Glass Menagerie books:

I also want to say, that I believe I am catching a second wind here in this whole halving process, we've been dragging our feet recently because we got thrown off our game, but I think I'm ready to recommit and start seriously getting rid of more stuff, so no more posts about food to distract you from our lack of halving progress.....IT'S ON!!!

Oh Motivation, Where Art Thou?

You may have noticed we seem to have slowed to a crawl with this project. OK, OK, you're right. We've slowed to a slumped-over-mass that breathlessly attempts to say "slow down" as a baby that is awkwardly learning to crawl scoots on by. I'll be honest - it's gotten downright sad on this end. We started out so well - we both had such fire and passion for what we were doing. But, as things seemed to get busier and we seemed to get more tired, the motivation to do anything other than sit and talk about how busy and tired we are has faded further and further away. If I peek down the hall, I think I can see the motivation... no, wait, that's not motivation, that's a shirt that needs to be put in a laundry basket. Hmm... maybe the motivation is in the freezer (and if it isn't, maybe the Angel Food Cake Ice Cream Cake I made last week is...).

It's bad, though. We haven't been getting rid of stuff, we haven't been training for our 10K - and despite doing a much better job with making healthier meals, we've been snacking as if there is no tomorrow (note to tomorrow - if you don't happen... ha, we win!). And that Half-o-meter that was "coming soon"? Um... it's still coming, at some point... I promise (I feel your skepticism - you should probably keep that handy). Needless to say, we've got to get ourselves out of this rut. Sleep is slowly getting better - Sorin had two teeth cut through in one night and since then he's been sleeping for longer stretches. If that trend continues, hopefully it will be easier to not keep "eating for energy" when we feel like we are gonna pass out (or possibly die of sleeplessness) at noon, 2:00, 5:00 and 7:00-11:00 each day.

In the end, though, no matter how many obstacles we can point to (like lack of sleep and free time), there's only one thing keeping us from really getting things done: Lauren.

Ouch....mostly Lauren.....ouch, ouch, OUCH! OK, it is just as much my fault.

But, as I was saying, the only thing keeping us from really getting things done is us. We've both been choosing to take the easy way out and sit on the couch doing whatever instead of doing the things that will make us happier in the long run. No matter how tired we have been, when we started this project it made us happier and feel a bit more energized just to look around our house and see it clean. The feeling of accomplishment after going for a run, cleaning out a closet, or parting with some useless object that we don't need but had kept on a shelf for 6 years over-rode the exhaustion and made us feel good. We need to get back to that, and we know it. The question is, how?

If I've learned one thing about me, it's that I'm highly motivated by distinct goals. When money, pride, or even just a stupid bet is on the line, my competitive side takes over, and I find extra motivation to get the job done. So, the answer is quite simple - start offering me money and we'll be just fine. What's that? You don't want to offer me money? Fine - but know if we fail, it's your fault, loyal readers (because, after our dearth of posts during April - if you're still reading, you are most definitely loyal). So, we'll have to do this a different way...

12 posts. We are gonna post a minimum of 12 times (this one not included) during May. And we're not talking "we still ain't done shit!" posts - we're talking posts with results. A garage that is finally cleaned out and able to park two cars in it. A corner from hell that hasn't simply migrated to our dining room table. A large amount of clothing donated/thrown out. Half as much beer in our fridge. Maybe even one of those lingering projects of our house like fixing the ceilings in our bathroom or putting the cabinets in our laundry room at least started - if not finished. The possibilities are endless (not really, but I'm on a roll - just let me have this moment). 12 posts of substance. 12 posts with us back on track. Let's make it happen Cap'n.

But that's not all (if you act now, we'll throw in a second set of Shamwows, two extra tubes of Mighty Putty, and the mini point-n-paint for free) - because we know that this idea is just a short term fix. We'll make our 12 posts in May and then you'll get three posts in June about how I picked up dog poop and thought about going for a run twice. So while this month goes on, we're going to be figuring out what the evolution of Dichotomy is - figuring out how we keep our halving, our happiness, and our progress towards a simpler life sustainable. And we invite anyone reading this to be a part of it. Tell us what works for you. Tell us what you'd like to see from us. Tell me why (ain't nothing but a heartbreak). When all is said and done, we just want to make this something that can keep us motivated to create the better life we want to be living.